2010

I don’t make New Year’s resolutions. I figure if it’s something I really want to do, I’ll do it, regardless of the time of year. Here’s a small list of the things I plan on starting or getting done this year.

1. Buy a house – we have no reason not to own a home. My husband says he wants to get some debt paid off first. We actually don’t have that much compared to some people and I say if we wait to get it all paid off, we will never buy. Just like having a baby, you are never 100% prepared!

2. Eat healthy – I do need to lose weight, but my focus is eating better. I actually don’t care about the number on the scale. It’s about how I feel about myself.

3. Get a new job – I’m so bored at my current job. I am literally sitting here with NO WORK to do. Nothing. It’s driving me crazy. Some people would like to get paid to do nothing. I am not one of those people. So I am going to get a busier, better paying job.

4. Less stress/anxiety – I have to realize that most of the things that stress me out are things that I cannot control. I will not let negative people stress me.

5. Have more patience – I find I get frustrated easily at Sarah and I realize she’s just being a kid. I will need to have more patience if we have another child!

6. Improve my marriage – We have a great relationship but no one is perfect. There is always room for improvement and I’m aiming to do that.

7. Prepare to possibly start trying for another baby – I am planning to go off of my birth control at the end of the year to start trying to get pregnant in the new year. That’s also where eating better comes in, I want to lose weight to have a healthy pregnancy again.

Half empty

I’m a glass is half empty type of person. I’m a pessimistic at heart. I’m not sure why really. Is is hereditary? Growing up, I’d see my father stressed. He never took it out on us but I always could sense his anxiety. I know that’s where I get it. He has since been diagnosed with bi-polar. He hasn’t been well the last 10 years or so. Actually I don’t think he’s been well his whole life. My parents started having problems way before I knew they did. He said a lot of things to my mother that made her feel bad about herself. He never hit her and anything that was going on with them was well hidden because I knew nothing. In February of 2003 she told me that he had had an affair with someone in our community. I guess their problems had gotten bigger but I wasn’t living at home to see them. I won’t go into specifics, it’s too long a story, but the past 8 years have been quite strained. Mom has given him more chances than he has deserved to fix things. He starts off okay but then fizzles out in the end. More recently, a couple of days ago. They are divorced but were going to give it yet another try. She is in Yellowknife and he in Labrador. She was going to go there to try to work things out and all of a sudden (though not surprising) he was avoiding her phone calls. My brother called him. Dad said he couldn’t do it anymore, that he couldn’t handle it, whatever that “it” was. So my brother was left to break the news to mom. Dad proved yet again why he had never deserved that chance. He is cowardly and selfish. It wasn’t the first time he had left Mom to figure out on her own that he was done. I’m pretty sure my Mom is done this time. Now that they are divorced, she has no ties. I’ve told her we have to finally let go and move on. He can only help himself. He needs to be alone without Mom to fall back on. She says it’s for the best that it happened. So here we are again for what seems like the millionth time. He builds us all up on the hopes that he’s trying to get better but he’s not around to see how hard we fall. I’ve felt unstable with my parents for 8 years. It’s time for things to change.

Second time around

I thought I’d give this blogging thing another chance. I haven’t blogged for a couple of years, although I read other people’s blogs on a daily basis and have for several years. I hadn’t missed writing for a long time but lately I’ve been wanting to. Writing/ranting helps with my stress and anxiety, which has shown itself recently. I figure if I don’t keep this updated, I’ll know I really didn’t want to write. If I do keep writing, then I will know did the right thing in starting again. I’ll fully admit now that a lot of these posts will probably be a rant of sorts. I don’t really talk much about what’s bothering me and well that’s the whole point of this blog. There will be some good posts, probably more than I think will be. If you don’t like reading about me being negative a lot of the time, then don’t. I’m just hoping someone out there will be able to relate to what I’m talking about.

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